This event shook me to the core I can feel it I am not so emotionless that I can’t feel what has happened to me anymore. Some part of me wishes I was stone cold at the event that transpired 1am Monday morning.
This is a feeling I can only compare to Murder of Trayvon Martin; the events of the past 44 hours strike me emotionally I feel the base of my heart reverberate and take me to the same place I was back then as a young man how helpless I was to do anything possible how my life in front of me disappeared and how I couldn’t think.
When I would go to the animation lab of my Cardiff University it would be hollow of emotion, I also couldn’t feel anything. I now feel, I can now cry and I can now give a passage of what this has done to me.
I am besides myself with grief with no tears to cry, my heart still weeps and my mind is trying to reject the idea that this is what’s going on, I can’t escape this feeling though; the feeling that I can get got at any time. Even deeper than Pain of Passion this is a feeling I grew up with one that tears black men up and one that can cripple a mans enthusiasm to help his community and to make something of himself.
This is the terrible feeling that black men face everyday the threat that our own success can kill us and even if we are noble righteous or just minding our own business living life that someone can take that from us in a moment. The motivation of our opposition doesn’t matter it’s the very real very pure fear and anxiety that someone can steal that from us.
Who will protect Black Men
I don’t even care for what people think about black males or the life some of us can possibly lead and the psychology of this isn’t one of those I can only say that I’m stressed. Beyond belief I am stressed, how much must we bend into a mould before we break; how long can we sustain this level of stoicism in the face of adversity before someone breaks us.
I have to relax, I have to be able to sleep properly, I have to be able to keep going. I cannot have other dictate the term to how I’m allowed to live my life and the cost is death, which was the reason I stopped crying, which was the reason I never feared death and welcomed it but times change I opened myself up — then XXXTENTACION gets murdered… Now Nipsey Hussle gets assassinated…
Why we put emotions away…
I feel the sorrow from my childhood that was the reason I never allowed myself to feel Trayvon’s death. I don’t know how much more I can take before the gates close again, I am up to the task of helping my community but this pain is a pain that overflows and overwhelms the most masculine types — at the rate they are taking out Black Men it’s only so long before the sorrow swallows a man. I can tell you now it won’t kill me first right now it hurts like hell, not just the death the feeling of helplessness that comes with it.
I say this with the most respect on the most literal terms. I was Trayvon, I died when he did. They shot me too. I AM NOW NIPSEY HUSSLE a man of the community trying to empower my people. That pain is my pain I carry this cross consciously & I am not trying to die on the inside again. I want to live and see OUR mission through to the end of my long and prosperous life.
… And our Spirit Dies
Why must black men who try to do good and speak truth to life leave this world as a martyr — Leave us alone. Every black man grows up wanting to help his mum or stop her from working or just earn so much money he can look after his own family with no problem. With the amount of obstacles we have to over come it becomes time for us to make a decision; That decision is made several times over before a man turns 25, that decision turns most men’s dream to dust.
One of my founding reasons I became a speaker was to communicate my individual experience and by proxy share the experiences of a group of people I hold dear. Just like with my Sickle Cell blogs I feel forced into a position to speak on this because men cry with no tears. Till you understand that you won’t understand us.
I will forever keep up the good example Nipsey set for us, I am not going to settle or quieten down; As long as I have breath I will always preach empowerment just like he does.
Whatever Moves Your Dial
Damilare. Not Your Typical
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To learn about Owning Your Own Ship – OYOS